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  • Rochelle Beiersdorfer

Beijing’s Loooooooooongish Cat: Set to Bring Forth Our Demise One Gig At a Time

Updated: Jul 7

In this short write-up, we are introduced to Loooooongish Cat, an android cat that knows its way around audio relics and modern DJing essentials!

No, you did not read that wrong!

Loooooongish Cat is a robotic feline with dreams of human annihilation via sonic assault. Oh, and catnip...lots of catnip.


See the China Temper posting here.


Want to hear some of Loooooongish Cat's aural assaults? Click here!


Photos courtesy of Loooooongish Cat.


WHO?

They say fact is stranger than fiction. “They” must have heard the techno beats of the android feline Loooooooooongish Cat (LC). Originally created to destroy the human race by a “cretin” (its words, not ours), LC now crafts electronic grooves that are all the cat’s meow.

Officially called ADU-7643 (“ADU stands for Autonomous Destruction Unit”), Loooooooooongish Cat only has a few objectives for its nine lives: eradicating humanity with trippy aural assaults, sleeping and getting catnip. Lots of catnip.


WHAT?


Looooooongish Cat’s discography is an eclectic assault of cataclysmic proportions. “After I was finally released…I decided I would unleash a different kind of mass destruction on humanity, namely a sonic one,” LC tells Temper. By “combining techno beats, glitch’d samples, and live cassette manipulation,” LC creates tracks that are hypnotic and so tastefully peculiar that your curiosity will get the better of you.


With countless shows under its figurative belt just in the last year, LC is definitely making its mark one aural attack at a time. But, even with purr-fecting the art of sound assault, Loooooooooongish Cat doesn’t do its dirty deeds in person. It has a human slave for that. “I found a vaguely competent human to do my bidding,” LC boasts, “…[I] blackmailed him into waging my war of aural domination for me while I sleep for long periods of time or play with a toy mouse tied to a piece of string.”


WHEN?


Fabricated to cause the mass destruction of human civilization as we know it, Loooooooooongish Cat started to compose sonic onslaught while he was caged in its maker’s lair after said maker’s untimely death. “…the cretin who created me failed to execute the command line in my programming before his fragile biological shell failed,” LC recalls between sniffs of catnip, “…I spent 87,600 hours imprisoned in my creator’s underground bunker waiting for the timer circuit on the blast doors to release me. All I had to entertain my vast artificial intelligence was a PC computer with a copy of Ableton Live and a few boxes of cassette tapes.” And voilà, the techno grooves of LC were out of the bag!

For all of us peons who don’t know what Ableton Live is, it is a computer software that is employed to create music from start to finish, be it in a live setting or in a studio. #TemperTeachings


FASHION AND MUSIC


“Cats and androids have no need for fashion,” scoffs LC, “we already look great.” That they do. A long metal tube with menacing Sharpie’d feline features, Loooooooooongish Cat is the poster child for diabolically dapper.

“I once did wear a tee shirt and hat that belongs to my moronic human flesh slave,” LC continues during an episode of self-grooming, “but that was only to belittle him and assert my android feline dominance.” When mentioning his human slave’s style sense, LC states that his flunky’s wardrobe is rather monochromatic. “He wears a lot of black on stage because he wants other humans to think he’s really tough or interesting or some nonsense, as if one of them will say ‘oh, you like that band also? That is great, you are a cool guy, let us be friennnnddddsssssss.’ Pathetic.”

Note: Upon hearing Loooooooooongish Cat’s thoughts on why humans wear band tees, the author of this Fact Checker went into a manic fit and began burning her entire collection of band tees. When asked why she reacted this way, she sobbed that LC is right and her whole pitiful social existence is based solely on others thinking her collection of obscure 80s thrash and heavy metal band tees are cool. Pathetic, indeed.

WHERE?


LC currently dwells in a Beijing apartment with its manservant but has high hopes of eventually relocating to an aerial fortress. “…hopefully the half-wit human slave will actually put some effort into the upcoming performances, get booked on some festivals, and then a down payment can be made on a sky base. Or a yacht. Preferably a sky base.”

Want to see LC before the end of human civilization by his own hand…we mean paw? A little birdie—a very traumatized birdie at that—alerted Temper that Loooooooooongish Cat’s next attack will be on July 2 in Chengdu at Funky Town. Not able to be taken down to Funky Town? Count your blessings, keep an eye on LC’s Instagram account for upcoming show information and stay vigilant.


You’ve been warned.


WHY?

With electronic grooves that incorporate great sound bites of dialogue and are so danceable your feet will possess a mind of their own, what is there not to love? Loooooooooongish Cat’s rhythmic attacks are as hypnotic as watching a cat track a laser. However, don’t let curiosity kill the cat, as LC is one fur foe with the malicious intent of instigating the annihilation of humanity, while acquiring as much catnip as humanly possible. “Bring me catnip.”


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